Don't Say "Thing", Label the Thing.

In Macbeth, witch #2 said “something wicked this way comes.” But what is this “something”? If you’re not Shakespeare, you should be specific with your descriptions.

With this in mind, we rewrite a bad passage from my novel.

What exactly are you talking about?

Novice writers tend to use words like “thing”, “it”, “that”, “something”, “somewhere”, “somehow” in their descriptions. For example:

Nancy found the device somewhere under the couch. She turned the thing in her hands, looking for the right button. Ben reached and grabbed it from Nancy.

Sounds familiar? The problem with this method of description is that, as the reader, you don’t know what to visualize. If a reader can’t visualize the description, then the description is useless.

Writing tip: be specific with your descriptions by labelling your objects.

For example, here is the opening paragraph of Cormac McCarthy’s All The Pretty Horses:

The candleflame and the image of the candleflame caught in the pierglass twisted and righted when he entered the hall and again when he shut the door. He took off his hat and came slowly forward. The floorboards creaked under his boots. In his black suit he stood in the dark glass where the lilies leaned so palely from their waisted cutglass vase.

McCarthy could have written “The candleflame and the image of it caught in the reflection”, but he chose to label the image and the pierglass. McCarthy could have written “there was creaking under his boots”, as many writers do, but he chose to label the source of the creaking. By labelling objects, McCarthy constructed a vivid, visual setting right off the bat.

Lets rewrite our example with Nancy and the TV. This time, we label the objects involved.

Nancy found the TV remote under the middle couch cushion. She turned black, dusty half-cylinder in her hands, looking for an 'on' button. Ben reached and grabbed the remote from Nancy.

See, much more visual.

Oops, I made a few mistakes

While I was skimming through my novel, Brilliant White Peaks, I found the following passage in Chapter 30.

No offense to my former self, but the prose is atrocious.

Let’s focus on the sentence “Then, I stepped away and watched the waves take it away.”

Immediately, you should be asking, one, why are you using the word ‘away‘ twice in such close proximity? And two, what does ‘it’ refer to? Turns out, after some reconstructing, ‘it’ refers to the protagonist’s pawprint in the sand.

Let’s rewrite this ordeal, with special focus on labelling objects in the description:

Notch-Tail ran ahead and left her pawprints in the sand, where they were lapped up by the waves. By the time I came to the shore, the sand was smooth again. As the sea retreated, I pressed my hindleg into the wet sand with force, leaving a deep indent that bubbled quietly. Then, I stepped away and watched the waves consume my pawprint, one white crest after another, until there was nothing left. Then I took off running.

Better? Worse? Let me know below!